Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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