Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
