I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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