Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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