I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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