I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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