Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
