i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
