This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
