3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
