Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
