If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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