I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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