did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
