I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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