So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
