I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize