I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
