found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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