I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
