stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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