Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
