you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
