what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
