The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
