dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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