Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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