I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
