Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
