is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Panties = found
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize