I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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