I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
