I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
