She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
