seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
