if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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