I love black thongs
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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