He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
