You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
