I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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