He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
