we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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