its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I checked into jail on foursquare
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
