Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
