You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
