So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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