fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
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