is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just high enough for therapy.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
