I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
