I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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