Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
