I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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