believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
