I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
