I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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