I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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