Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
