He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
