As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
