you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
