Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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