I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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