I'm going to jail i love you
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i barfeds in our rink
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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