she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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