Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i love accidental penises.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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