So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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