8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize